Into the Dark I Go

It was really tough for me the first time around to settle in to Lauren's life sans conventional therapy. I knew what we had decided was a huge step and that we were doing everything in our power to treat Lauren's cancer naturally, the way God intended. Yet, somewhere in the back of my mind I kept thinking "Are we letting the cancer grow?". I kept second guessing the decisions we had made as a family and naturally it scared the sh*t out of me. I've kinda been feeling the same as of late. I tend to call it my "dark side". While most of the time when you see me, I will have a smile on my face and never let on that anything is bothering me, but know that inside I am aching and angry and constantly doubting my decisions where her treatment is concerned. Yes, I know that half of winning this battle is to believe. But, BELIEVE ME, others have believed and still did not win. What makes my baby so special? And without any of you taking this the wrong way, "God has a plan" and "Things happen for a reason" are not what a momcologist wants to hear. And last but certainly not least, Lauren still hasn't gotten to the two year mark, much less the five year. In this cancerverse you see, NO ONE speaks of the two words/phrases every survivor wants to hear until those milestones -- No Evidence Of Disease and Remission. All we get at this point is stable. Stable means that there is NO progression. Yes, that is good news but really, in the eyes of a 15 year old that knows she very well may not make it to 20, its not the words she wants to hear and frankly neither do I. I know we are dealing with the monster of all monsters. Lauren doesn't have breast cancer or leukemia. We were told in the beginning that a cure is most likely not possible. But I refuse to think that is true. I want so much more for her. I want her to have a career, a marriage and family. I want her to experience life on her own, without her parents watching her every move like hawks. The letting go is the hard part and I honestly thought I would be doing this in a much different scenario. But alas, my "letting go" is much different that someone who has a 15 year daughter who DOES NOT have cancer. What hurts the most is that during this struggle, we moved her 200 miles away from the only friends she has ever known. If it wasn't for her relapse, she would have made new friends, but damn this disease had to go and ruin that too.

Last week Lauren had a breakdown and told me that she has not been happy in a month or so (most likely right around the week she spent in California visiting her two best friends -- or rather once she got back here). She took a page from Mom's favorite book and has been hiding it and just smiling that huge smile to make me believe everything is okay. Go figure. I taught her well. My heart continually breaks into pieces and I really do not know how to put them back together again anymore. Hence, "the dark side". I wish I could fix everything but I have to start by fixing myself first. How do I make myself happy and content with this life when I know how unhappy my daughter is? How scared and afraid she is and not wanting to bring it up with me for fear of hurting my happiness. Geez. She's hiding her pain from me and I am hiding my pain from her, constantly sacrificing our own well being for the sake of the other.

It seems we are both stuck in this dark place and I myself do not know the way out so how in the world am I supposed to take her hand and lead her out?

peace & <3