Mystery solved...

I have noticed over the last two years that time seems to speed up the older you get. Where time used to drag on, a month can seem like only a week. I am sure I am speaking for everyone my age, remember when you couldn't wait to "grow up and move out"? What I wouldn't give to get those years back. I have NO regrets whatsoever, but there are many things I would do differently if given a second chance.

Lauren had her follow-up PET CT on Friday, November 9th. The following Monday we met with Oncologist #2 at the clinic to go over the report. I normally don't mind when they guess and are right, but this time, I didn't want him to be right. The lesion that presented in August, then disappeared in October (thought to be hiding in a shadow of a chest CT w/o contrast) was indeed hiding and it was back with a vengeance. It was no longer 6x8mm but had grown to 15x25mm and had an SUV of 12.6. There are two smaller ones as well, one too small to resolve on the PET CT and the other, which was present in the last scan, increased from 6x8mm to 10mm with a low SUV of 3 (< 3 is normal). This was obviously devastating news for our family. We had such high hopes that the new disease was really gone and not hiding. How condescending can cancer really be? HAHA! Well, the joke is not on us cancer, it's on YOU!

As we took a week to reflect and sit with all the new information, it seemed a lost cause to get Lauren to commit to doing more chemo. This isn't her first walk in the park and unlike childbirth, cancer patients do not soon forget the torment and pain associated with chemotherapy. The month she had off between the two scans brought HOPE of the possibility that the mysterious tumor was in fact gone. We had seen this happen before in May 2011, while she was off of conventional treatment. All lung disease had resolved, without the use of chemotherapy.

Friday afternoon we took my son to pickup his tuxedo rental for a dance he was attending on Saturday. Soon after, Lauren would tweet "Ever think about what it's like to die young? Not getting to go to prom or get married and have kids. #thinkaboutit #donttakelifeforgranted". I could literally feel my heart breaking. I was semi prepared for Lauren to choose quality over quantity. It's one thing to lose a loved one tragically, but to lose them tragically as they die slowly is an unbearable thought. I asked her about it with tear soaked eyes. She replied "Mom, I have decided to do the chemo".

Through out Lauren's journey, I have tried to always make it a point to let her feel as in control as possible. The decisions were always hers to make, but I made sure they were well informed decisions. This new protocol may be it for her. Everything else currently used as standard of care will only buy her time. The rarity of Lauren's cancer is reality. We've exhausted all that the conventional teams have presented. Everything else is palliative care.

Soooo, next Tuesday will be day 1 of Lauren's new protocol. She will get a one hour infusion of Liposomal Doxil (no longer in short supply) every two or three weeks. She will also be taking a daily oral dose of Etoposide with a one week break every two or three weeks. This combination is not standard of care, and in a way, Lauren is running her own mini clinical trial where she is the only patient. She is giving it her all this time, including herbal supplements to synergize with the conventional protocol along with alleviating most if not all of the side effects (including, but not limited, cardiac protection against the Doxil). Once we get rid of those nasty tumors hanging out in her lungs, she'll start a high dose immunotherapy that will last 2-3 years. If at any point during the immunotherapy she relapses, all bets are off.

I wish each and everyone a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday with your friends and family. Don't forget to tell the people you love how much you care. I leave you with a few pics of Lauren taken recently.

The first pic is of Lauren standing up outside of the sunroof while Jim was driving around the neighborhood. The biggest smile I have ever seen =)

The second pic she is wearing her new wig (which I LOVE because of its red tones). It looks like it could be her natural color.

Above is a skin for the iPhone that I designed. If you are interested in getting one for yourself, I can send you the image file and show you where to order it from. No, I am not trying to make any money, just trying to promote awareness.

peace and <3
-cherri

I would also like to ask for prayers and positive energy sent over to Oakland, CA to Ariel Gariano, her mom Crystal and the entire Gariano family. Ariel has been battling the rhabdomyosarcoma beast for five years now and has relapsed once again with new disease. You can find updates on her Facebook page or Caringbridge. Much love to this family <3 as my heart breaks for what is to come.

The Old "Wait and See" Approach

Where to begin? The last week has been a little crazy to say the least. Lauren was set to start her new protocol last Thursday. We talked it over with her team (side effects, etc.), signed consents (yes, she signs it as well) and hung the chemo up for infusion when  oncologist #1 asks to see me in her office. After comparing the PET CT done in August to the chest CT she had last week, it appeared as though the tumor present in August had resolved itself and that they did indeed see an increase in a previous noted nodule (that didn't "light up" in the PET) in addition to a new nodule noted 4mm. Since we only did a chest CT with NO contrast, it was not definitive that this was active disease or not. As we sat there staring at each other, it was apparent that she too was at a crossroads as to whether we should proceed with treatment or not. I quickly made the decision to hold off and Lauren's nurse ran back to stop the infusion, I kid you not, which was about six inches away from going into Lauren's body.

The plan was to consult with the radiologist at Children's Oakland as soon as possible, looking at the actual films side by side instead of relying on a report. I got a call from oncologist #1 late Friday night. The nodule from August was indeed gone and the "old" nodule had grown from 4x6mm to 6x8mm and a new nodule, approximately 4mm had appeared. The increase in size of one (even though it hadn't lit up in the PET CT), the appearance of a new one and the fact that they did appear "nodular" in appearance, made them believe that this was in fact new disease. There is NO way to actually know for sure without a PET CT.

Taking in all of this information is really hard to do. Decisions concerning Lauren's care have never been easy. Putting poison in your child, knowing the long term side effects she will suffer from, is not ideal and that is why I advocate so hard for better less toxic treatments not to mention making huge life changing healthy nutritional choices.

So that brings me to a phone call I received today from oncologist #2. After he reviewed the film, again, with the radiologist at CHO, they decided that it is possible that the nodule we believed to have resolved itself may be hiding. Seriously? Thinking that Lauren was taking a deeper breath in one scan vs. the other, the nodule could have temporarily disappeared into tissue, appearing as though it was gone. All the "may have" & "could be" shit is killing me. I just want to scream! At this point, we discussed proceeding with treatment or waiting and well, I choose to wait. WE choose to WAIT and SEE.

What they (conventional oncologists) don't know is how Lauren is still alive. She is not a statistics and has defied all odds up until now. They didn't even think she would survive the initial clinical trial she was on from December 2009 to June 2010. In October 2010, when we decided to stop chemo and move forward with complimentary/alternative treatment, Lauren still had quite a bit of active disease left in her lungs. In eight short months the disease was gone. Who's to say that she can't do that again. I will never forget the look on the oncologist fellow's face when he came in with the results. It was above him to even think that what we had been doing for eight months could have caused such resolve. In fact, I had another oncologist come in and sit with us, asking what we had been doing and if we would like to speak to a group of oncologists at the hospital to try a not so conventional collaboration. And still, to this day, oncologist #2 continues to believe that the nodule couldn't have just "disappeared" because she "wasn't on any chemo since May".

For now, I have requested a PET CT to be done sometime in November. Nothing will change here at home. We will continue to eat healthy sustainable nutritional food and Lauren will continue with her morning smoothies and 80+ herbal supplements a day. I know its somewhat unconventional to not rush Lauren to poison, but what if? What if what we are doing her at home is helping her disease resolve itself? I know its hard to believe, but try, just for a moment...

On a lighter note, our awesome friends at Stupid Cancer posted a photo of Lauren on their Facebook page on Saturday asking if we could get 1,000 likes for being "one of the most amazing people out there". Today, just now, her photo has over 250,000 likes, 1,500+ comments and shared over 3,000 times! How amazing is that? If you have a chance, please like Stupid Cancer's page. Check out their website. They are the voice of the young people and they do a GREAT job! Love them!

Here's to clean scans in November!

peace and <3
-cherri

Here We Go!

I never thought in a million years that I would be happy to get the phone call that the chemotherapy we had chosen, Doxil, was finally approved through the pharmaceutical company. Janssen had placed Lauren on a "waiting list" over three weeks ago and given the date of October 9th for tentative approval status. We knew going into this that Doxil was in short supply. Why, I will never understand. I tried calling Janssen last week to find out why there was a shortage and why a pediatric patient didn't get priority, but alas, since I am not a doctor or doctor's office, they wouldn't speak to me.

I called the clinic today to check in and see if they had heard anything from the insurance company. I was a little peeved because the nurse said "I'll call and check on it" which, at 11am, she should have already done it. Anyway, a few hours later I got a call from one of Lauren's Oncologists to have a final discussion on his feelings about using this combo (it is outside the "standard of care" box so I completely understand his hesitation) and what side effects we are up against. I assured him that we all understand the leap of faith we are taking and I am still 100% sure that we need to be as aggressive as possible while we can.

Since it has been a little over two months since Lauren's last scan, I asked for another one to create a baseline. I am secretly hoping that the damn mini-tumor is gone. With as little radiation as possible (no contrast either), she will be getting a chest CT tomorrow at 10am. It will be quick and painless and we should have results same day or at the very least, Wednesday. As of now, she is set to start chemo on Thursday. It will be a one hour infusion every two weeks plus the oral chemo, to be taken at home every other day (with the caveat that if she tolerates it, we can increase it and if it's horrible, then we can decrease).

I started Lauren on her alternative protocol last week, boosting her immune system and filling her full of herbal supplements that will synergize well with the chemotherapy and also help to prevent the more common side effects - mucositis & hand/foot syndrome. She also started Trental, which will help protect her heart and also help to reduce the severity of the mucositis (I am hoping that she does not have a serious case because she just had braces put back on and mucositis (mouth sores) and braces won't make a good match). We already make really good nutritional choices, but have to "batten down the hatches" for treatment time. It's essential that she eats healthier than ever during this time.

So, here we go. Fourth line. I'm scared. We need this to work. They (doctors) really have nothing else of interest to suggest so this HAS to work. Please keep Lauren and our family in your thoughts and prayers as she starts the new chemo on Thursday. And to all my friends and family who supported my efforts in September, through Facebook, to raise awareness for Childhood Cancer, thank you so much.

I leave you with a promotional video that our family participated in for NNCCF. If you haven't already seen it (I posted it on FB yesterday), then get your tissues. It is amazing and profound; a story of four families affected by this horrible disease. And please consider sharing it. NNCCF has been a LIFESAVER to say the least for our family and the other CC families in Northern Nevada. We love them like family. <3




peace and <3 -cherri

Deep Into the Unknown We Go

I didn't realize until today that it has been over two weeks since I last blogged. Geez am I a slacker or what? Where to begin?

Shortly after my last update we were presented with a #5 to our plethora of treatment options. The latest would be a clinical trial just opening up at Children's Hospital in Oakland for resistant metastatic sarcomas. I was told the Ewings arm was already full and that IF this was something we were interested in we needed to jump on board quickly. Um, ya, force me into making a decision based on FEAR...NOT! While it looked promising, we were still leaning towards the Doxil/Etoposide combo because we still need to be as aggressive as possible. The aforementioned clinical trial would also have to take place weekly in Oakland (an hour infusion, once a week), another reason why we decided to place it second on our list of options.

Last Sunday night (a week ago) I composed an email (the hardest I have ever written) to all of Lauren's team (Medical Oncologists and Naturopath) explaining the reasons why we chose to use the Doxil/Etoposide combo. Luckily prior to MY email, both her Oncologist and ND had a few email exchanges on the subject so I am sure it wasn't that much of a surprise and I am so happy that they are all willing to work together. Integrative medicine at its best I'm telling you!

Unfortunately, there is a nationwide shortage of Doxil right now and the clinic, anticipating this shortage, has been in contact with a company in India who also makes it just in case we aren't able to get it here. And let me tell you, I almost want to get it from India and say EFFFFF YOU! to the pharmaceutical companies here. So we are in limbo right now, waiting to find out if/when we will be able to start her on this new protocol. Measures have been taken to protect Lauren's heart (which, BTW, her echocardiogram was good; nothing concerning showed up =)) and herbal products have been started to prepare her for chemo and to hopefully fend off any serious side effects. Now, we just wait ....

In the mean time, Lauren and I made plans to attend the west coast meeting of "Evidence Based Complimentary and Alternative Cancer Therapies Conference" presented by Annie Appleseed Project (we met the Founder of AAP at Stupid Cancer OMG2012) in San Francisco. I can't even tell you how excited both of us have been. The first day was amazingly profound. Unfortunately, Lauren and I became sick halfway through the first day and ended up packing up and driving home early Saturday morning (the longest drive of my life) with fever and congestion. We are still nursing ourselves back to health and are feeling better with each day. I was really looking forward to the second day of the conference and hope that they have some notes and possibly video of the speakers we missed. I still remain confident that Lauren is so healthy because of the changes we have made to our nutrition and because she is being treated holistically even in the face of chemo treatments and conventional medicine.

Below are a few pics I took on our trip down and at St. Mary's Cathedral where the conference took place.

I just realized too that my last update was in August. If you didn't know, September is NATIONAL Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. Each day on Facebook I have paid tribute to survivors that I have known personally (either through face to face or social media). Some are still with us and some have left this Earth to become our Guardian Angels. If you are one of my friends on Facebook, please share these tributes and encourage your friends to share as well. Advocating is the only way we are going to bring awareness to this horrible disease that keeps killing our children. Below is the FB banner I made to honor Lauren and CCAM. Please feel free to use it and share it.

I leave you with a more personal note than I am used to sharing. A lot of people, not knowing what to say when talking to me about Lauren, will say things like "God has a plan" and "Everything happens for a reason". Let me just say that if God's plan is to make our children suffer, then I may be forced to rethink my religious beliefs. If there is ANY reason why our kids should be put through this and not allowed to live a normal life, then please enlighten me. Please think about the things you say before you say them. I know those are common phrases to say to someone grieving (not only for a lost loved one, but for someone going through a life threatening ordeal). I assure you, I have been grieving since December 3, 2009. If it was your child, would you want to hear either of those phrases above? I know that dealing with cancer takes a lot of courage and just being my friend takes a lot of courage, so be courageous and say the things that AREN'T normal. You WILL NOT offend me and I want to make sure that you know my intent is not to offend anyone, but to educate them gently to the things a Momcologist does NOT want to hear. And yes, you think I am strong but I am only this way because I have no other choice. The smile you see across my face is a facade 90% of the time. It's easier for me to smile than to admit I am hurting. I am not flawless. A hug goes a long way. And really, I mean REALLY ... all you need is LOVE!

peace and <3
-cherri

You WILL NOT Take Our Hope Away!

I've sat staring at this screen for quite some time trying to muster up the courage to write this blog post. If I just keep it all inside and not make it public, will it go away?

It's been a little over two weeks since we found out that Lauren has relapsed for the third time. Devastated is an understatement. It seems with each course of treatment the "stable time" gets shorter, which scares me more than ever. Her cancer is becoming more resistant than ever and now is the time to NOT lose HOPE.

Thanks to Leslie over at NNCCF, I made contact with Dr. Douglas Hawkins at Seattle Children's hospital to get his opinion on treatment options. Dr. Hawkins is the Associate Division Chief for Hematology/Oncology at the hospital, Professor of Pediatrics at UW School of Medicine, Associate Director of the Center for Clinical and Translational Research and most importantly, a sarcoma expert. He also is the chair of the COG (Children's Oncology Group) Soft Tissue Sarcoma Committee. I asked CHO to send over all pertinent information on Lauren's case to him and I made the phone calls/did the running around to get all imaging (CDs) sent to him as well. I spoke briefly with him last Monday and we did discuss his suggestion on treatment. He hadn't yet had a chance to speak to the Oncs at CHO, so if anything changed after a consult with them, he would get back in contact with me.

We met with Lauren's Oncologist from CHO the following Thursday (a week ago today) to discuss Dr. Hawkins suggestion and to go over a couple of other ones that he had researched and thought we might be interested in. I won't go into major details about the meeting aside from saying that I walked away more pissed off than I have ever been before. Twice during the conversation he said "we are not working towards a cure". ARE YOU SERIOUS? First of all, this is not something you say IN FRONT of the patient and second, you may have lost all hope but we HAVE NOT! I was hoping that Lauren didn't pick up on his statement, but being the sharp girl she is, she did. I have honestly lost a lot of respect for this team as of late and I am between a rock and a hard place right now.

So, below are the options that the medical oncologists have suggested, in order of their importance.
1) Vincristine/Irinotecan/Temozolamine
-- Vincristine is KNOWN to cause severe neuropathy. I'm not sure Lauren would recover from another drug that causes neuropathy.
2) Vinorelbine/Cytoxan
-- Again, Vinorelbine is KNOWN to cause neurotoxicity/neuropathy.
3) Pazopanib (Votrient)
-- Many of our adult sarcoma friends have been on this since it's FDA approval in April. This is the protocol drug that Dr. Hawkins suggested.

The more I researched these drugs and the more I talked with our Naturopath, the more I realized these protocols are primarily a form of palliative care. They aren't known, at least on paper, for curing, but more like stabilizing and, for lack of a better phrase, buying time. I was trying hard to sit with this and be ok, but really, who the hell would be? Then I got an email from our ND and again, my HOPE was ignited. He and a medical oncologist colleague of his have come up with a #4 option and while it is still chemotherapy, they believe THIS protocol has a very good chance of curing Lauren. My HOPE has been restored!

4) RFA (Radio Frequency Ablation) followed by Doxil/Etoposide followed by intense immunotherapy
The RFA would blast the tiny tumor located in the pleura but theoretically leave microscopic disease floating around, which is the reason we follow up the procedure with chemotherapy to kill any remaining disease. Lauren has had Doxorubicin (and Etoposide) in the past and Doxil is in the same family so she will be getting a smaller dosage to make sure her heart is protected, as the Anthracycline family of drugs is known to cause heart problems. Our ND will prescribe a drug called Trental as a prophylactic that will also help with mucositis that the Doxil will most likely cause as well.

The problem we will most likely run into is presenting this "out of the standard of care box" protocol to the team here, as they would be the ones to request authorization and they will be the ones to administer the chemotherapy and find a suitable facility to do the RFA. The two teams have thus far cooperated and meshed quite well with each other and I am hoping they continue to do so, for Lauren's benefit. I do not want to change Lauren's provider, but I will if I cannot get them to approve and agree that this is her BEST chance of surviving this terrible monster. Our ND will be communicating with the oncology team in the next few days and if need be, I will also be discussing our decision with them to make sure they know this is what we want to do.

For the last week Lauren and I have had many discussions on life, treatment options, her journey. I've cried. She's cried. We are all very scared of the uncertainty of the future. We have always maintained that the decision to treat or not treat her cancer was hers and only hers. What a HUGE burden to bear for a 15 year old girl. Last week, I told her, if she wants me to make the decision, I would. But my brave girl said "No Mom, I can do this. I just need to think." As this is the 4th line of treatment, Lauren is no stranger to the side effects of the chemotherapy. She knows what she is in for. She knows how it makes her feel and its not like time has healed her wounds. It is all very fresh in her memories. But she still has fight left in her and with my renewed HOPE, I encouraged her to continue to fight. The ND also said that he will be the first to tell us when its time for Lauren to "wave the white flag" and surrender her body to God but he does not believe that time is now. With every fiber of my being, I told Lauren to fight like hell! This is a battle and I know its hard and I know it makes you feel like crap when in treatment, but giving up is not an option right now. NO ONE is going to ever take our HOPE away from us ever again.

With renewed HOPE and STRENGTH!
peace and <3
-cherri

We lost an unbelievable friend yesterday to Ewings Sarcoma. Karen, thank you for being such a great friend and true inspiration to both Lauren and I. No more drugs, no more cancer. You are finally free. Fly with the angels sweet girl.

The Climb

I am sure most of you have heard Miley Cyrus' song The Climb (it's older, so I am guessing most have =)). When I hear this song, all I can think about is Lauren and her journey the last two and a half years. In the cancerverse, unless you have been stable (with NED) for five or more years, you are not considered "in remission". It almost feels unattainable to reach this milestone. Five years in the cancerverse is a LONG time. Lauren has been on three different protocols (six different chemotherapy drugs (they are always given in pairs)) with the last causing so much damage (peripheral neuropathy - also commonly called foot drop) she could not walk unassisted for months not to mention chemo brain and I am sure there will be other complications in years to come. She endured 36 radiation treatments to her pelvis causing severe burns, premature menopause and stopping the growth of her uterus making it impossible to physically bear children of her own as well as other female complications that she would be mortified that I share with everyone. She missed a year and a half of middle school and a semester of high school. She lost many friends who were unable to relate to someone who has cancer (some sooner, some later), many stares (I've taken to staring back and making faces when people do this now) and sad sympathetic gestures when she goes out in public, sans hair.

Needless to say, her journey has not been easy and the climb has been the most difficult to date. Her rehabilitation could take months, if not years. I am sure that she dreams of the day when she can run again and be able to play soccer or even simply walk without a walker or a cane. I know I do. I am sure she dreams of having a normal teenage relationship with a boy. I know I do. If you ask her, she will tell you that she is not sorry that she got cancer. She will tell you that it has changed her life, but mostly for the better. And that goes for our whole family. We cherish each moment, living for the day and not for the future, for we were never promised tomorrow. We are thankful for each day we have here and we try to make the best of it, no matter what.

The following pictures are from a short hike that Lauren and I took a couple of weeks ago. It's a small hill behind the apartments that we lived when we first moved to Reno where her and Tyler would go on frequent walks, before her relapse; before the chemo damaged her ability to walk. The first incline up she used her walker, but being a dirt path made it harder so she ditched the walker and held my arm the rest of the way. I was so proud of her for not quitting (a word that is NOT in her vocabulary). She is my inspiration, as I am sure she is to many of you.

We participated (more like visited) the Douglas, NV ACS Relay For Life last weekend with our friends The Reyes family (who lost their son Cris a few months ago). Lauren and I walked the survivor walk in memory of Oliver, Neto, Cris and Clayton -- our dear friends who we lost over the last year and in honor of Lauren and our friend Ariel who are still fighting hard for the right to live. Lauren was honored at the survivor dinner as being the youngest one at the event and received a gift basket. At the beginning of the survivor walk they asked people to raise their hands when asked "are you a 5 year survivor, 10 year, and so on". There was a woman there who is a 47 year survivor! Amazing. Lauren teared up once we sat down and when I asked her what was wrong, she said, "I am only a two month survivor". I could see the fear and uncertainty in her eyes and I just hugged and said, "Don't worry baby, you will get there!". Some may say that I am preaching false hope, but regardless, I don't ever want her to think that there is NO chance because then, you start to lose that fight and once you lose that fight in you, there is nothing left holding on to keep you alive.

 

Recently we were asked to be one of four families participating in a promotional video for NNCCF. The concept is similar to the videos now viral on sites like YouTube where there is no talking, but only words written on cards. The video will be simply prolific and I am sure you will all love it! We had an awesome time and I will be sure to post a link once it is complete. Here is a still shot from one of the cards (we wrote what was written on all the cards).

Lauren has her follow up PET CT scheduled for tomorrow. Originally I was told that BC/BS denied the scan because they said it was too soon after the last one (two months). As I mentioned in my last blog post, I've been "stewing" the last few weeks, worried that the disease is no longer stable. I've been so scared lately. I just want this to be OVER! Anyhow, once we receive the results and take time to regroup on the results, regardless of good or bad, I'll post about her next treatment plan in depth. There will be no more chemo. 

I've asked a few times about prayers for Ariel, an almost 14 year old from the bay area battling 3rd relapse rhabdomyosarcoma. I asked again last week, through Facebook and Twitter, as Ariel had a really tough week and was in desperate need of some urgent prayers and positive energy. I am still asking for you to add Ariel and her entire family to your prayers each day. She needs to be home and well for her 14th birthday with her twin sister this weekend. Let's get this done!

One last thing, September is childhood cancer awareness month and I intend to advocate like a crazy momcologist! It's time to make people aware that kids get cancer too and the lack of funding is sickening.

peace & <3
-cherri

Into the Dark I Go

It was really tough for me the first time around to settle in to Lauren's life sans conventional therapy. I knew what we had decided was a huge step and that we were doing everything in our power to treat Lauren's cancer naturally, the way God intended. Yet, somewhere in the back of my mind I kept thinking "Are we letting the cancer grow?". I kept second guessing the decisions we had made as a family and naturally it scared the sh*t out of me. I've kinda been feeling the same as of late. I tend to call it my "dark side". While most of the time when you see me, I will have a smile on my face and never let on that anything is bothering me, but know that inside I am aching and angry and constantly doubting my decisions where her treatment is concerned. Yes, I know that half of winning this battle is to believe. But, BELIEVE ME, others have believed and still did not win. What makes my baby so special? And without any of you taking this the wrong way, "God has a plan" and "Things happen for a reason" are not what a momcologist wants to hear. And last but certainly not least, Lauren still hasn't gotten to the two year mark, much less the five year. In this cancerverse you see, NO ONE speaks of the two words/phrases every survivor wants to hear until those milestones -- No Evidence Of Disease and Remission. All we get at this point is stable. Stable means that there is NO progression. Yes, that is good news but really, in the eyes of a 15 year old that knows she very well may not make it to 20, its not the words she wants to hear and frankly neither do I. I know we are dealing with the monster of all monsters. Lauren doesn't have breast cancer or leukemia. We were told in the beginning that a cure is most likely not possible. But I refuse to think that is true. I want so much more for her. I want her to have a career, a marriage and family. I want her to experience life on her own, without her parents watching her every move like hawks. The letting go is the hard part and I honestly thought I would be doing this in a much different scenario. But alas, my "letting go" is much different that someone who has a 15 year daughter who DOES NOT have cancer. What hurts the most is that during this struggle, we moved her 200 miles away from the only friends she has ever known. If it wasn't for her relapse, she would have made new friends, but damn this disease had to go and ruin that too.

Last week Lauren had a breakdown and told me that she has not been happy in a month or so (most likely right around the week she spent in California visiting her two best friends -- or rather once she got back here). She took a page from Mom's favorite book and has been hiding it and just smiling that huge smile to make me believe everything is okay. Go figure. I taught her well. My heart continually breaks into pieces and I really do not know how to put them back together again anymore. Hence, "the dark side". I wish I could fix everything but I have to start by fixing myself first. How do I make myself happy and content with this life when I know how unhappy my daughter is? How scared and afraid she is and not wanting to bring it up with me for fear of hurting my happiness. Geez. She's hiding her pain from me and I am hiding my pain from her, constantly sacrificing our own well being for the sake of the other.

It seems we are both stuck in this dark place and I myself do not know the way out so how in the world am I supposed to take her hand and lead her out?

peace & <3