Sometimes life really does suck

Lauren and I both noticed late Saturday night that our senior cat, Max, was coughing. My cats puke, it seems, on a daily basis so I didn't give it a second thought until I noticed on Sunday that he was missing. I found him sleeping under my bed. By sight alone you could tell something was wrong. He was listless, wouldn't eat or drink, and could barely walk. It was bad. He passed away on Monday evening. He is the first pet we've lost as a family. A mistake w paperwork at the vet has left us without Max's ashes. I have respect for the vet as she was genuinely mortified at this unimaginable mistake and I am sure the call was the hardest she's ever had to make. Unfortunately she wasn't here consoling a grieving 14 yo who felt it was like losing him all over again. What's done is done and there is nothing we can do to change it. I love that girl so much and I just want her to be happy and confident in her future. It's times like this that death is so real for her. The finality of it is sometimes unbearable to imagine. We are going to make a memorial with a cross, some pictures and his bell collar. She needs some closure and I think this will help. No one ever thinks when adopting a pet that someday they will die. It really does suck.

Lauren had been having minor nose bleeds since Friday with an increase in frequency by Sunday. Standard protocol would be to go to the ER if platelets are low. I tried some different things here like cold compresses and aquaphor but nothing was helping. After discovering Max and realizing the severity, tears started to flow which made the nose bleeds heavier and almost uncontrollable. This was the first time ever that she had one that I or she could not control or stop so I knew a trip to the hospital was inevitable and I knew it couldn't wait til Monday. So off we went and lucky we did. After running a CBC we found out her platelets had dropped to 7 and her WBC was 1. All bad. We chose for an admit because it would be a couple of hours before the blood bank would get the platelets and being in the ER was not comfy. The first bag of platelets were hung, at 5:30am. Really not ok that it took so long but honestly its not worth going into. After one gentle and one not so gentle reminder, it was done. She was promptly discharged at 10:30am and we went straight to her appointment to be fitted for AFOs (ankle foot orthotics). After being up for 24 hours, we came home to a very sick cat and well, you already know what happened from there.

For the most part, I try to be supportive, cheerful and uplifting because the alternative isn't really me. But sometimes I just wanna crawl in a hole and cry because sometimes, life really does suck.

Rest in Paradise Max. Wait for us on the Rainbow Bridge (thanks Jen <3)

Life before cancer?

I barely remember our lives before Lauren's diagnosis. Regardless of how we chose to live our lives then, this life (our own personal "cancerverse") will never be the same. IF Lauren beats this monster once and for all, she will still live (WE will still live) with the long term effects for the rest of our days here on Earth. For this, I am sad. 

I really thought that we were living life in a sort of carpe diem kind of way ... boy was I mistaken. Once you have been faced with the reality of mortality, your way of thinking, of living, changes dramatically (to say the least). Things that seemed all too important are but a thing of the past. We live each day as though there will be no tomorrow. Why though did it take Lauren getting cancer to make us realize that it really IS the little things?

Lauren had a rough couple of weeks following her last dose of Taxotere/Gemzar. She was neutropenic for almost a week with her white blood cell count dropping to zero. The mucositis, as she described it, was a very close second to the same mucositis she experienced with the Doxorubicin. The levels of toxicity seem to be greater with each round. She is still suffering from intense sensitivity in her fingertips and hands not to mention the neuropathy in her feet and lower legs has progressed to a point where it is almost impossible for her to walk five feet without some sort of assistance. And just to clarify, it is NOT the cancer that is causing these issues, it is the chemo drugs. Sad isn't it? We not only have to bring ourselves to the brink of death to kill the cancer, but have to endure a lifetime of complications not from the cancer, but from the very drugs we used to save our lives. If that isn't irony ...

The new Physical Therapist, Abby, has ordered Lauren a walker so that she isn't constantly bed-ridden and will be able to move around more freely with the help of said walker. She has also suggested that Lauren be fitted with AFO's (ankle-foot orthotics) to help with stability and balance. Hopefully, once Lauren has finished with chemo, the neuropathy causing her "foot-drop" will begin to wear off. I've watched it progressively get worse over the last month or so. This is something that could have been prevented, albeit a treatment plan sans chemotherapy. As though cancer hasn't taken enough away from Lauren already, I'll be damned if I let it take away her ability to walk.

Yesterday was day one of Lauren's last cycle for this protocol. Monday, the day after Mother's Day, will be day eight and the final dose. A PET scan will be ordered for late May, just in time for Lauren's 15th birthday. Yep, 15! I can't believe it either! Let's hope she has the BEST birthday present imaginable. Pray with me, light a candle or whatever you choose to do to bring hope and love to our family. Without you, family & friends, we would be so lonely. I know many have been touched by Lauren and her strength through this journey. She has always had that ability to leave a lasting impression.

peace and love
-cherri