I've started this blog post several times since last week but couldn't find the right words to convey my state of mind and my feelings (go figure, when have I ever been at a loss for words). Lauren had day eight of her 28 day cycle on Monday. No allergic reaction, as she got pre-medicated with IV benadryl prior to the taxotere. I waited, with baited breath, to see if she would do as well with this cycle as she did with the last. Unfortunately on Wednesday (day 10) the mucositis kicked in and by Friday (day 12) the tips of her fingers hurt so bad she couldn't even open up a water bottle. The mucositis also causes extreme stomach cramping but luckily, with a little bit of Maalox, she feels better. She has already asked me twice "do we have to do another cycle?". I don't want to push her to do something she doesn't want to do, but also feel its in her best interest to at least complete six full cycles. Of course, playing the role of the Devil's Advocate is never really that much fun, but someone has to do it. And that someone is me.
Tuesday, we met with the Physiatrist to discuss the x-ray taken of Lauren's pelvis. Nothing noticeably causing her gate issues, so she thinks its muscle/tissue related (radiation complications) and said she could go ahead and start physical therapy. I am waiting on a referral from the clinic to be sent over to St. Mary's (where it was recommended that she see the outpatient PT). Oddly enough, this week Lauren has been able to walk a little better and there is feeling (tingly sensation) in her feet where before, they were 100% numb. Imagine trying to walk when you can't feel your feet.
On Thursday, she had an appointment with the OBGYN for an ultrasound. This was primarily to image Lauren's female anatomy to make sure nothing had shifted during the 36 radiation treatments and to make sure the fibrosis isn't causing any blockage. Her ovaries have shut down, so we didn't anticipate there to be any fluid backup besides the fact that she would be writhing in pain if there was. What we didn't expect to find out is that her uterus has stopped growing. Right now, it is the size of a 12 year old's and the doc suggested that it will probably never get any bigger, thus unable to carry a child to full term. While we sat there listening and processing, I looked over to Lauren and I could tell she was holding in the tears. IF Lauren could have a child right now, she would. She has always been the mothering type and has always dreamed about getting married and having a big family. It comes naturally to her (she reminds me so much of my sister, who is the same way). We also spoke about starting the process of opening up the vaginal canal and trying to heal the fibrosis that will (in time) keep her from having a healthy intimate relationship. It is a long process and could take a few years to accomplish, so when asked, Lauren decided to start sooner rather than later. On the ride home, we talked about everything. My words to Lauren were this "We've always talked about this ("this" being the cancer) being larger, bigger than any of us can even comprehend, the effects it will have on all of us for many years to come. Maybe your calling in life is to adopt? Perhaps a child born to a teenage mom or even a child with special needs? But until you are older (I can't say more mature, because God knows this girl is mature and wise beyond her years) we won't really have a clear picture". She seemed okay with this, for now. Thank God for living in the moment.
It was beautiful weather on Saturday, so we decided to venture out and enjoy nature. First we drove downtown and enjoyed a small quaint Earth Day festival located next to the Truckee River. There was live music and it felt like we were in Berkeley amongst my favorite kinds of people. We sat next to the river on a blanket under the trees listening, laughing, taking pictures. It's the first time since Lauren started her treatment that we could actually get out and enjoy the weather. I guess that's what we get for moving to a place that has a real winter. Afterwards, we decided to drive up to Mt. Rose and instead of stopping at the top, we kept driving and found ourselves in Tahoe before we knew it. We pulled over next to the lake and got out and hiked down (yes, even Lauren hiked down with assistance from my arm =)). Tyler and his friend Matt went swimming in the lake (brave souls, this lake is freezing cold, even in the summer) and Lauren, Jim and I sat on a huge rock watching, laughing. We drove into Tahoe for dinner then made our way home as the sun started to set. It really was a great day. <3
Monday, April 16th, was my father's birthday. He would have been 62. I used to have a hard time even getting out of bed on this day, but with time, as with anything, it has become easier, tolerable. To say that I miss him every day is a definite understatement. I often try to muster up memories, but it always goes back to that fateful day in the car, when I got the call that he had passed away. This year's birthday will never be forgotten. Our family suffered a devastating loss as my sister Cheryl found out she had miscarried, a boy named Jacob Dylan. I hate being so far away from my family especially in times like this when all I can be is a telephone conversation. Cheryl, I love you and miss you beyond words. You will get through this, I promise. Now Daddy has a grandson he can hold and play with and spoil rotten and remember you will see him again one day. He will be waiting for you until then.
I feel like I got punched a few times in the gut this week, but I will not let it get me down. I grieve and process, and then I move on. You just have to roll with the punches.
peace and love
-cherri
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